Kyle and I were able to go to the adoption seminar our agency puts on a few months ago. I had been getting more and more anxious regarding the idea of an open adoption as the days went by. The idea of open adoption faltered the idea of security I had in parenthood. In my family you didn't have to always agree with what your parents said but you had to do it, because they were the parent. But the thought of our child having this other person in their life that they could run to when they got mad at us terrified me.
Wow, am I ever glad we decided to go to the seminar! It completely allayed all the fears I had regarding open adoption. The social workers that ran the seminar were very experienced and so nice and open to discussion. They even had an adoptive family and a birth mother come in to talk to us.
The first thing we did was watch an informational video featuring the founder of our agency. It was very touching to see her passion for the agency, the process, and the history of the agency. The need for open adoption was very apparent from the video.
We then broke into groups and were asked to list our fears regarding adoption. There was everything under the sun including financial burden, home studies, openness of the adoption, other people's opinions, everything. I had begun to feel somewhat guilty about my fears in the weeks leading up to the seminar. I thought because I wasn't whole heartily okay with the idea maybe there was something wrong with me or maybe I wasn't fit to be a mother and it was hard to deal with that guilt. It was nice to know I wasn't the only one who had fears and that it was completely normal. During this group work I mentioned a fear I had of my children getting mad at me and running to their birth mother as I've seen kids do with divorced parents before and how just the thought of that broke my heart. One woman (a mother of a biological child) pointed out that your children are going to get mad at you sometimes, they may even run to a friend's house (or birth mother's house), but that's part of being a parent. Sometimes it's glorious but sometimes it tears your heart in two. It can be painful sometimes but it doesn't make you a bad mother. That perspective really hit a chord with me and helped me realize it would be okay.
We then went through the whole process: application, home study, waiting, placement, revocation, and finalization. A lot of this information I already knew from reading our information package about a dozen times but it was good to hear it again. The revocation part was a little confusing so it was especially good to hear again. The jist is (and someone please correct me if I mess it up!) once the baby is placed with you, beginning at midnight that night the birth parents have till midnight on the 10th day to change their mind. It's described as the most anxious 10 days of your life and many parents will celebrate at midnight on the 10th day. (Note: this is a provincial rule so every province has a different revocation period.)
They also defined open adoption. Open adoption simply means the medical records of the birth parents (when available) are open to the adopted child and their family. The relationship that is had with the birth parents is something that is usually discussed prior to adoption. It can be anything from zero contact (which is not suggested), to visits/cards/photos a couple times per year (typical), to a completely open relationship with sleep overs and day trips.
They also defined open adoption. Open adoption simply means the medical records of the birth parents (when available) are open to the adopted child and their family. The relationship that is had with the birth parents is something that is usually discussed prior to adoption. It can be anything from zero contact (which is not suggested), to visits/cards/photos a couple times per year (typical), to a completely open relationship with sleep overs and day trips.
On the second day we began by finishing up the information on the process and then discussed our impression of what a typical birth mother was like. Let me say, there were a lot of prejudices against the birth mothers and it really made me sad that so many people didn't have very good thoughts about them. In my mind the birth mothers are doing something very noble by giving their child up for adoption when they feel it's what's best for the child. I can't imagine the courage it takes and the pain it causes to let your child go. Kudos to them for doing what they feel is best for their child and putting them first.
We then had a panel come in to talk about their stories. There was a family of four (parents and two adopted children) and a birth mother who had recently given her child up for adoption. The family started by sharing the story of their adoption process. They had two children from different birth families and had two very different relationships with the birth parents. One child had zero contact with their birth mother although she had recently reached out to him so they were currently navigating that situation. The other child had a very open relationship with their entire birth family. The birth family of the second child even took the first child to family events as well. The birth aunt actually took the first child to a movie while we were talking with the family.
The father talked about how he too had fears about the openness of the adoption and felt very strongly that he did not want to have a relationship with the birth family. As time went on he came to realize how healthy it was for the children to know their birth families and he completely changed his tune. The mother told us how she will never forget the moment the birth mother was holding their second child when the child started to cry and the birth mother handed her back and said, "she needs her mother to comfort her". That story really hit home for me and helped me realize that our children will know us as their parents and they will love us and be comforted by us as such. All my fears melted away with that story.
Next the birth mother spoke. She brought pictures of her child to share with us which was very touching. She told us how she was able to see her child often and how happy she was that they were with a great family. She said she didn't regret her decision at all because she knew it was what was best for her child.
After the panel was done speaking and we had asked our questions we broke into groups again. This time we were asked to write down things that people say or do that make us upset. Some of the women there had horror stories of terrible things people had said to them (especially expecting mothers). It was so sad to hear the pain some people had caused them. There have been very few times that I've been upset with anything people have said to me about our situation and I think that's mostly because of my perspective on others in general. I find typically if someone says something that I think is offside its for one of three reasons... 1) They are ignorant about the situation and the facts. Many people don't understand infertility, adoption, or the process involved. And that's ok! I can't expect everyone to be an expert on the subject; that would be ignorant of me. 2) They have good intentions and they think what they're saying is helpful. There is one person in my life that hates it when people say, "this all happened for a reason". It doesn't make me upset though because whether I believe that or not is irrelevant. They believe it or at least they think it is a supportive/caring thing to say in the situation and if it helps them come to terms with it then that's great. 3) They are insecure about something in their lives. In my experience, people often lash out when they feel uncomfortable or insecure about something to do with themselves and it has nothing to do with me. Because of these three reasons I tend to be pretty easy going about people's comments. Haha, I actually get more upset when I hear the pain other people have been caused or feel bad for those people that said something offside.
The last thing we did in our seminar was to go back to the original list of fears we had written. One by one as a group we were able to cross (most of) them out as they were no longer fears. If you're reading this and thinking about adoption but aren't sure I HIGHLY recommend going to a seminar or information session at an agency. It completely put me at was with the whole thing and I am so glad we went!
Note 1: During this whole time I was talking to my best friend about my fears. She had just had a baby that I am COMPLETELY in love with and she told me something I had never thought of. She said in her opinion the more love her baby has in their live the better. She embraces everyone that wants to love her baby and be a part of their lives because she thinks its healthy. I think that's such a great way to look at it!! We could all use more love in our lives.
Note 2: One thing the social workers at the seminar told us is that open adoptions are actually physically, emotionally, and mentally healthier for everyone involved.
Has anyone else out there had these fears? Do you have any tips/suggestions/words of encouragement?
Has anyone else not known what to say when they find out someone is adopting? Or maybe said the wrong thing by accident?
Love,
Taya and Kyle
Thank you for all your love and support!!
Interested in further supporting our journey? Please visit our GoGetFunding page.
We then had a panel come in to talk about their stories. There was a family of four (parents and two adopted children) and a birth mother who had recently given her child up for adoption. The family started by sharing the story of their adoption process. They had two children from different birth families and had two very different relationships with the birth parents. One child had zero contact with their birth mother although she had recently reached out to him so they were currently navigating that situation. The other child had a very open relationship with their entire birth family. The birth family of the second child even took the first child to family events as well. The birth aunt actually took the first child to a movie while we were talking with the family.
The father talked about how he too had fears about the openness of the adoption and felt very strongly that he did not want to have a relationship with the birth family. As time went on he came to realize how healthy it was for the children to know their birth families and he completely changed his tune. The mother told us how she will never forget the moment the birth mother was holding their second child when the child started to cry and the birth mother handed her back and said, "she needs her mother to comfort her". That story really hit home for me and helped me realize that our children will know us as their parents and they will love us and be comforted by us as such. All my fears melted away with that story.
Next the birth mother spoke. She brought pictures of her child to share with us which was very touching. She told us how she was able to see her child often and how happy she was that they were with a great family. She said she didn't regret her decision at all because she knew it was what was best for her child.
After the panel was done speaking and we had asked our questions we broke into groups again. This time we were asked to write down things that people say or do that make us upset. Some of the women there had horror stories of terrible things people had said to them (especially expecting mothers). It was so sad to hear the pain some people had caused them. There have been very few times that I've been upset with anything people have said to me about our situation and I think that's mostly because of my perspective on others in general. I find typically if someone says something that I think is offside its for one of three reasons... 1) They are ignorant about the situation and the facts. Many people don't understand infertility, adoption, or the process involved. And that's ok! I can't expect everyone to be an expert on the subject; that would be ignorant of me. 2) They have good intentions and they think what they're saying is helpful. There is one person in my life that hates it when people say, "this all happened for a reason". It doesn't make me upset though because whether I believe that or not is irrelevant. They believe it or at least they think it is a supportive/caring thing to say in the situation and if it helps them come to terms with it then that's great. 3) They are insecure about something in their lives. In my experience, people often lash out when they feel uncomfortable or insecure about something to do with themselves and it has nothing to do with me. Because of these three reasons I tend to be pretty easy going about people's comments. Haha, I actually get more upset when I hear the pain other people have been caused or feel bad for those people that said something offside.
The last thing we did in our seminar was to go back to the original list of fears we had written. One by one as a group we were able to cross (most of) them out as they were no longer fears. If you're reading this and thinking about adoption but aren't sure I HIGHLY recommend going to a seminar or information session at an agency. It completely put me at was with the whole thing and I am so glad we went!
Note 1: During this whole time I was talking to my best friend about my fears. She had just had a baby that I am COMPLETELY in love with and she told me something I had never thought of. She said in her opinion the more love her baby has in their live the better. She embraces everyone that wants to love her baby and be a part of their lives because she thinks its healthy. I think that's such a great way to look at it!! We could all use more love in our lives.
Note 2: One thing the social workers at the seminar told us is that open adoptions are actually physically, emotionally, and mentally healthier for everyone involved.
Has anyone else out there had these fears? Do you have any tips/suggestions/words of encouragement?
Has anyone else not known what to say when they find out someone is adopting? Or maybe said the wrong thing by accident?
Love,
Taya and Kyle
Thank you for all your love and support!!
Interested in further supporting our journey? Please visit our GoGetFunding page.
