Long Over Due Update

I haven't written an update in a while for a few reasons...

1) there was a lot going on in my head and in my heart and I wanted to fully process it for myself before sharing.

2) life has been crazy! Between quitting my day job to focus on my business and finishing of my last year of school there hasn't been a lot of extra curricular time.

Last time I wrote, we had written our birth parent letter. Since then a lot has happened! We submitted the letter to the adoption agency and our application needed to be approved by the head person before we could be assigned a social worker. This seemed all well and good, the staff told us that usually takes a couple weeks and then as soon as a social worker becomes available we will be assigned... What they failed to tell us until I called back a month later wondering about our status was that the head person goes on vacation for all of August and even though our application had been approved, no one could take our file (even if they had no work to do) until she was back to physically hand it off to them. When I asked why someone had told me it would be done in late July the lady laughed at me and there was no way it would be done until at least mid September.

I'm all for having a work/life balance and I'm very grateful these programs exist for people in our situation. What didn't appreciate was being lead to believe the process would take about a month when they knew it would take closer to 3. I especially didn't appreciate being laughed at when I was upset and trying very hard to stay calm and treat this lady with respect.

Well, after this I felt very defeated. I felt like I had been lied to, been disrespected, and had no recourse because they were the gate keepers. Kyle and I had always said we would try adoption first and IVF second. While yes, adoption is an option it's not one that we want to continue with at this point.

So we have an exciting announcement! We are going to try IVF with donor eggs and Kyle's sperm!!! We are both over the moon excited to try this option. Many people have asked me why we changed our minds... There is no simple answer and I don't expect everyone to understand but I hope they can accept it. The answer has a few parts...

First, it was never off the table. We always thought we would try adoption first and if that didn't work out or after we had one child we would then look at IVF. We've decided we would like to try IVF first now.

Second, at the time that we started looking at options for growing our family I was not physically or psychologically ready to be pregnant. To be honest I've never really been excited about the whole pregnancy thing and especially birthing. The idea of it has never brought me pleasure. So when we couldn't have 100% biological children it seemed like the natural choice to adopt. The more I healed physically and emotionally the more I thought about it and eventually I decided I wanted to try. I knew I would always wonder if I didn't at least try. If it doesn't work we will deal with that and be happy with the option to adopt but for now trying IVF is something we've become very excited about. Even though birthing still terrifies me, I'm excited to experience it.

Lastly, this gives us the option to have Kyle's biology be part of a child. Although we will be happy with any child that comes into our lives it is something that we are excited about.

Love,

Taya and Kyle

Thank you for all your love and support!!
Interested in further supporting our journey? Please visit our GoGetFunding page.

Writing our letter to the birth parents

After our seminar the biggest next step for us is to write our letter to the birth parents. "It is primarily the young women who are reading these [letters], but the birth father or expanded family may also be involved..." (Information from our adoption package). This letter creates the first impression of us as a couple for the birth parents, so it is very important. Although our agency will give us suggestions if we ask, the letter is completely written by us and is meant to capture who we are.

While the letter can be typed or hand written, on plain or coloured paper, with graphics or plain, the length is specific. The written portion of the letter is recommended to be 1-2 typed pages or the equivalent if hand written. Shorter and it doesn't fully capture the family; longer and it becomes too wordy. They also ask you to include 4-6 pages of pictures. These can be embedded directly into the letter or added to the end.

We did major research before writing the letter. We wanted it to be amazing! The more we researched the more we recognized the best policy was to remain genuine and write from the heart. Worrying too much about what the birth parents were looking for wasn't going to be productive and wasn't fair to the process. In our letter we talked about how we met, what we love about each other, our childhoods, our hobbies, and our friends and families.We think the right match will be found when both sides are as honest and real as possible.

Birth parents are no different than any other parents, they want their child to be loved, cared for, safe, and happy.

Every circumstance that brought birth parents to adoption is different and so is what they're looking for in an adoptive family. For some being in close proximity to them, or practicing a particular religion, or being a certain age, or having kids already may be important. Sometimes it can be as simple as the adoptive father resembling the birth father, a dog in a picture triggering a happy memory, or an occupation of an adoptive parent being what the birth mother always wanted to be. It's so hard to say what will make a good match.

When our letter was complete we printed 12 colour copies, signed them and gave them to the agency. 6 will be kept in our Calgary file and 6 in our Edmonton file.

What makes your family special that you would want to share with birth parents?

Love,

Taya and Kyle

Thank you for all your love and support!!
Interested in further supporting our journey? Please visit our GoGetFunding page.

Seminar Time!!!

Kyle and I were able to go to the adoption seminar our agency puts on a few months ago. I had been getting more and more anxious regarding the idea of an open adoption as the days went by. The idea of open adoption faltered the idea of security I had in parenthood. In my family you didn't have to always agree with what your parents said but you had to do it, because they were the parent. But the thought of our child having this other person in their life that they could run to when they got mad at us terrified me.

Wow, am I ever glad we decided to go to the seminar! It completely allayed all the fears I had regarding open adoption. The social workers that ran the seminar were very experienced and so nice and open to discussion. They even had an adoptive family and a birth mother come in to talk to us.

The first thing we did was watch an informational video featuring the founder of our agency. It was very touching to see her passion for the agency, the process, and the history of the agency. The need for open adoption was very apparent from the video.

We then broke into groups and were asked to list our fears regarding adoption. There was everything under the sun including financial burden, home studies, openness of the adoption, other people's opinions, everything. I had begun to feel somewhat guilty about my fears in the weeks leading up to the seminar. I thought because I wasn't whole heartily okay with the idea maybe there was something wrong with me or maybe I wasn't fit to be a mother and it was hard to deal with that guilt. It was nice to know I wasn't the only one who had fears and that it was completely normal. During this group work I mentioned a fear I had of my children getting mad at me and running to their birth mother as I've seen kids do with divorced parents before and how just the thought of that broke my heart. One woman (a mother of a biological child) pointed out that your children are going to get mad at you sometimes, they may even run to a friend's house (or birth mother's house), but that's part of being a parent. Sometimes it's glorious but sometimes it tears your heart in two. It can be painful sometimes but it doesn't make you a bad mother. That perspective really hit a chord with me and helped me realize it would be okay.

We then went through the whole process: application, home study, waiting, placement, revocation, and finalization. A lot of this information I already knew from reading our information package about a dozen times but it was good to hear it again. The revocation part was a little confusing so it was especially good to hear again. The jist is (and someone please correct me if I mess it up!) once the baby is placed with you, beginning at midnight that night the birth parents have till midnight on the 10th day to change their mind. It's described as the most anxious 10 days of your life and many parents will celebrate at midnight on the 10th day. (Note: this is a provincial rule so every province has a different revocation period.)

They also defined open adoption. Open adoption simply means the medical records of the birth parents (when available) are open to the adopted child and their family. The relationship that is had with the birth parents is something that is usually discussed prior to adoption. It can be anything from zero contact (which is not suggested), to visits/cards/photos a couple times per year (typical), to a completely open relationship with sleep overs and day trips.

On the second day we began by finishing up the information on the process and then discussed our impression of what a typical birth mother was like. Let me say, there were a lot of prejudices against the birth mothers and it really made me sad that so many people didn't have very good thoughts about them. In my mind the birth mothers are doing something very noble by giving their child up for adoption when they feel it's what's best for the child. I can't imagine the courage it takes and the pain it causes to let your child go. Kudos to them for doing what they feel is best for their child and putting them first.

We then had a panel come in to talk about their stories. There was a family of four (parents and two adopted children) and a birth mother who had recently given her child up for adoption. The family started by sharing the story of their adoption process. They had two children from different birth families and had two very different relationships with the birth parents. One child had zero contact with their birth mother although she had recently reached out to him so they were currently navigating that situation. The other child had a very open relationship with their entire birth family. The birth family of the second child even took the first child to family events as well. The birth aunt actually took the first child to a movie while we were talking with the family.

The father talked about how he too had fears about the openness of the adoption and felt very strongly that he did not want to have a relationship with the birth family. As time went on he came to realize how healthy it was for the children to know their birth families and he completely changed his tune. The mother told us how she will never forget the moment the birth mother was holding their second child when the child started to cry and the birth mother handed her back and said, "she needs her mother to comfort her". That story really hit home for me and helped me realize that our children will know us as their parents and they will love us and be comforted by us as such. All my fears melted away with that story.

Next the birth mother spoke. She brought pictures of her child to share with us which was very touching. She told us how she was able to see her child often and how happy she was that they were with a great family. She said she didn't regret her decision at all because she knew it was what was best for her child.

After the panel was done speaking and we had asked our questions we broke into groups again. This time we were asked to write down things that people say or do that make us upset. Some of the women there had horror stories of terrible things people had said to them (especially expecting mothers). It was so sad to hear the pain some people had caused them. There have been very few times that I've been upset with anything people have said to me about our situation and I think that's mostly because of my perspective on others in general. I find typically if someone says something that I think is offside its for one of three reasons... 1) They are ignorant about the situation and the facts. Many people don't understand infertility, adoption, or the process involved. And that's ok! I can't expect everyone to be an expert on the subject; that would be ignorant of me. 2) They have good intentions and they think what they're saying is helpful. There is one person in my life that hates it when people say, "this all happened for a reason". It doesn't make me upset though because whether I believe that or not is irrelevant. They believe it or at least they think it is a supportive/caring thing to say in the situation and if it helps them come to terms with it then that's great. 3) They are insecure about something in their lives. In my experience, people often lash out when they feel uncomfortable or insecure about something to do with themselves and it has nothing to do with me. Because of these three reasons I tend to be pretty easy going about people's comments. Haha, I actually get more upset when I hear the pain other people have been caused or feel bad for those people that said something offside.

The last thing we did in our seminar was to go back to the original list of fears we had written. One by one as a group we were able to cross (most of) them out as they were no longer fears. If you're reading this and thinking about adoption but aren't sure I HIGHLY recommend going to a seminar or information session at an agency. It completely put me at was with the whole thing and I am so glad we went!

Note 1: During this whole time I was talking to my best friend about my fears. She had just had a baby that I am COMPLETELY in love with and she told me something I had never thought of. She said in her opinion the more love her baby has in their live the better. She embraces everyone that wants to love her baby and be a part of their lives because she thinks its healthy. I think that's such a great way to look at it!! We could all use more love in our lives.

Note 2: One thing the social workers at the seminar told us is that open adoptions are actually physically, emotionally, and mentally healthier for everyone involved.

Has anyone else out there had these fears? Do you have any tips/suggestions/words of encouragement?

Has anyone else not known what to say when they find out someone is adopting? Or maybe said the wrong thing by accident?

Love,

Taya and Kyle

Thank you for all your love and support!!
Interested in further supporting our journey? Please visit our GoGetFunding page.

Getting our package together

In the post And the Ball is Rolling Folks... we went over some of the steps we would be going through on the road to domestic adoption. Today we want to share with you how the process is coming along.

There are 11 documents required for the main part of our application package. We are well on our way. We had hoped to have it done by Christmas but that proved to be difficult. We are now hoping to complete our package (at least the parts that are available to us) before the end of January.

1. Intervention Record Check (Status: COMPLETE/IN THE MAIL)

This is also known as a child welfare check. This check ensures that neither of us have ever been involved in a situation where welfare services or human services had to intervene on a child's behalf. It's kind of scary to think there are people like that out there.

It took a little digging but eventually we were able to find out where we needed to go to complete the check. The child and families services regional office in Calgary is in Kensington.

We tried to go over the holidays (the website says they're open M-F except stats) but they were closed for two weeks. We ended up being able to find time to go in mid January. So the papers are in the mail and the results should take 6-8 weeks to arrive. This check was free.

2. Security Clearance Check (Status: COMPLETE)

This is also known as a police check. Not all police stations can run this check so you need to go online and see which ones you can go to before heading out. We ended up going to one in the deep south while running errands one day. This check was $30 each and took about a month to come in the mail. All clear!

3. References (Status: OUR PART COMPLETE/REFERENCE QUESTIONNAIRE INCOMPLETE)

For the references we submit the names and contact information of three people (one of them can be a relative and two friends). We've chosen three amazing people in our lives to support us in this way. One is Taya's best friend who has supported our relationship since day one and has always been there for us. The second is a lady we work with that has been an inspiration and amazing support system for us and especially Taya through her sickness, the emotional ups and downs and the adoption process. The third has been our friend for over a decade and knows us both better than most. Once we submit our package these three will be sent a three page questionnaire by the adoption agency.

4. Medicals (Status: COMPLETE)

Included in our package were two forms for our doctor to fill in (one for each of us). These forms asked general questions about our mental and physical health. The forms also asked if, in our doctor's opinion, there was any reason we should not be parents. Our doctor's office charges $40 for each medical.

5. Financial Statements (Status: COMPLETE)
We thought this part would be a lot harder until we actually started filling it out. This is simply a one page form regarding our annual income, life insurance, assets, liabilities, and net worth. It's a very simple form. The only thing that was a little tricky is it asks about accounts that are very liquid. For example it asked how much we have in our bank account and how much we owe on our credit card. These amounts are very liquid but we did our best to be accurate.

6. T4 Slips (Status: COMPLETE)
This is simply a copy of our T4s from last year. We have all of these things in a giant "life" binder so they were easy to access.

7. Personal Legal Documents (Status: COMPLETE)

This is our birth certificates. We must either send the originals or a notarized copy. We didn't feel comfortable parting with the originals so we opted to have them notarized. Typically it would cost about $50 to have them notarized but we know a few lawyers and were able to get it done for free!

Once we are married in May we will have to get our marriage certificate notarized and added to our application.

 8. Application Part 1 and Contract (Status: COMPLETE)

The application part 1 is a three page form that starts by outlining our contact information, employment information and personal history. It later goes into a general description of both of us including physical descriptions, education levels, etc. The last part is about emotional/psychological care and asks if we currently or in the past accessed counseling services or support groups.

9. SAFE Questionnaire 1 (Status: COMPLETE)

SAFE stands for Structured Analysis Family Evaluation. The questionnaire is 11 pages and goes into depth regarding our relationship with our families (especially our parents). It paints a pretty vivid picture

10. Application Parts 2 and 3 (given out at a seminar) (Status: INCOMPLETE)
These parts will be given to us at a weekend seminar in February.

11. Dear Birthparent Letter and Photos (Status: INCOMPLETE)
This has been the hardest part of the whole process so far. We want to write a great letter and there is a lot of pressure. We plan on writing a full post on this process including websites we found helpful. The general guidelines from our agency state the letter should be no more than two pages and 4-6 pages of pictures. We plan on making ours look more like a newsletter/scrapbook than a letter so we will be combining these two.

Costs associated with application package:
Submission of application: $850
Security clearance check: $30 x 2 = $60
Medicals: $40 x 2 = $80
Personal legal documents: $0 (we had a friend donate her services but usually this costs $50)
TOTAL: $990

The overall package wasn't too difficult to put together. There were two big parts that were difficult: the amount of paper required and the letter. It does feel overwhelming at times but it will all be worth it. Soon it will be complete and we will be on our way!

Has anyone else out there gone through this process?? Do you have any tips/suggestions/words of encouragement?

Love,

Taya and Kyle

Thank you for all your love and support!!
Interested in further supporting our journey? Please visit our GoGetFunding page.