Kyle loves Chinese everything! He took Tai Chi as a child (and now wants to start teaching it), can speak Cantonese, is going to school for Chinese medicine and loves Chinese culture. When we decided adoption was the route we wanted follow to grow our family, our first thought was of China.
We started looking into how the process works and aside from it being very expensive it is also very confusing. There are papers and home studies and more papers and domestic approval and papers and foreign approval and papers and referrals and more papers. After reading through a dozen sites that outlined the process, we weren't much closer to understanding how it worked and were starting to feel overwhelmed.
We found a site that outlined the approximate costs to adopt from each country, the average wait time and agencies that were accepting new clients. Well, while this website had some great information on it (sorry I didn't save it), this was probably the least fun part about this whole experience so far... China wasn't an option. Dun, dun, dun!
It seemed China had really closed ranks on foreign adoptions lately. This caused the wait times to extend to at least FIVE years! As a result, local agencies didn't have the capacity to hold any additional clients and weren't accepting applicants. So, even if we were okay with waiting that long, we couldn't even get on the waiting lists because those were full and not moving quickly, anytime soon.
To say I lost it at this point might be an understatement... You'll notice most of my posts are pretty happy and positive and that's because with regards to this topic I'm generally really excited to experience the journey and happy I have the opportunity to have a family at all. Once in a while though, I have a mini implosion. That's what happened on this day.
After reading enough to understand there was no way around this road block I shut down. I closed the laptop and became silent, as if we had decided to be done looking for now. I think Kyle could tell a storm was brewing. He asked me if I was okay and the tears started. At first it was just a little trickle, but before the conversation was over I would be flat out bawling my face off.
Emotionally, I felt pretty good through the whole first round with Cynthia. I was a little discouraged when I was hospitalized with an infection, but overall I was happy with how I dealt with it. Going into the second round with Cynthia I battled with quite significant fear and anxiety. Once the surgery was complete it was pretty smooth sailing, emotionally. I don't often get too upset about our situation.
When Kyle first asked if I was ok I tried to say yes and internalize my emotions. I thought if I could rationalize my feelings of disappointment I could deal with it myself and not make him upset. It was just too much though. I couldn't rationalize my way out of feeling disappointed and I needed to release the emotion (which I think is healthy in certain cases, this being one of them) and that release came out in a snotty, crying, yelling mess.
The emotions I was feeling were two-fold. Firstly, I was disappointed. We had immediately thought of China when we first started thinking adoption and it was heartbreakingly disappointing to learn it wasn't really an option that would work for us. As disappointing as it was, we knew there were other options and many children in need that would be a great fit for our family and who we would absolutely adore and that helped us deal with that side of things.
The second part of the emotional struggle hit deeper and was harder to rationalize/find a solution to. This was the creeping inclination that our lives were never going to work out, that every time we turned around life was going to slap us in the face again and we couldn't get away or control it. It was the feeling of complete failure and defeat. After dealing with blow after blow for the last two years, in that moment, I felt broken, as if the proverbial last straw had been hurled at me unceremoniously.
As I worked through this emotional labyrinth with Kyle that night, I realized I was terrified of how I would react at the next road block, because in the adoption process road blocks are inevitable. I didn't know if I could do it, if I could feel this emotional pain multiple times. We talked it through for many hours and a lot of tears and tissues and I refortified my emotional strength. This time though there was a built in softness for a few things. 1) a softness to allow myself to feel frustration or fear or sadness and accept, acknowledge and process those feelings, 2) a softness to allow Kyle to do the same, 3) (and I think most importantly) a softness to experience the process together as a team, enveloped in mutual love and support.
This road block was a breaking point for me that could have gone either way. It could have been the instant I decided I couldn't do it anymore and forced our journey to hit reverse. Thankfully, it was an instant that immeasurably strengthened my relationship with Kyle, my resolve to have a beautiful family and my growing love for my unknown children.
Love,
Taya (and Kyle)
Thank you for all your love and support!!
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